Ducknapping on April 1
By Seili Lewis
April 2, 2009 | 'Twas the night before April first;
two girls were invited to a flirtatious evening of movie
watching. One of the girls was engaged so she stuck
to her roommate like glue and made minimal contact with
members of the opposite gender. The other of the two
girls, however, enjoyed the endless attentions of two
young men. The evening was entertaining enough with
less attention spent on the movie than energies exerted
in the pursuits of hormones and pheromones.
One young man introduced a rubber duck, which was
decorated to look as if it were dead. The body of the
duck is black, the beak aglow in the dark green, with
no eyes -- just glow-in-the-dark X's. The girls decided
that it would be interesting to tease the owner of the
duck by acting as if they might take the duck with them
when they went back to their apartment that evening.
It was clearly midnight by the time the girls got back
home. They sent the owner an ominous message, "I'm holding
your duck for ransom. How much to you think he's worth,"
said the first girl.
With escalating messages of empty threats, and silly
pictures depicting the poor duck's plight, the negotiations
came to a close in the wee hours of the morning. The
girls went to bed, and when they awoke the plans to
get cookies for the safe return of the duck continued.
The duck, now dubbed Mortimer, as a play on words for
his deathlike appearance, was now the center of a witty
war. The plan was simple: they would meet in the basement
of the girls' apartment for the exchange, one plate
of cookies for the safe return of the duck. The girls
had even more devious plans in store in light of the
Anticipating an ambush, the girls enlisted the aid
of their other roommates and went to their local dollar
store to get the necessary weaponry. Their water guns
were sparkly and lovely colors including purple, pink
and blue. They lay in wait for their intended victim
at the bottom of the stairs. The code word was a simple
He arrived nearly 20 minutes late at the appointed
drop site. The girls intended to search his person but
felt too shy to be too inquisitive; after all he is
The young man had with him a cane, a plate of cookies
and a shoulder bag reportedly filled with homework.
They blindfolded him and led him on a slow (because
he has a bad knee) goose chase. Finally the young man
stood before three girls with water pistols in the boiler
room of the building. Three other girls were hiding
just outside the room. The room was dimly lighted, warm
and filled with the ominous sounds of the boiler. The
blindfold was removed and a few short remarks were exchanged
before the signal was given and the young man found
himself surrounded by women with water pistols. This
would have been quite the predicament for him had he
been unprepared, but he whipped out a can of pressurized
party string and an epic battle over a duck ensued.
The incident ended peaceably enough once everyone
concerned was out of ammunition. The young man was soaked
and the girls were covered in foam string. The room
was a bit of a mess but they quickly cleaned it up and
sat around enjoying the cookies. Because it was April
first one of the girls didn't dare to even touch the
cookies for fear that there was a laxative in the mix.
The others ate the cookies happily enough and finally
the reluctant girl finally ate a little bit of cookie.
Satisfied with his efforts the young man stood, telling
the girls that he'd better be off. He tossed them a
roll of toilet paper and smiled a suspicious smile,
"You're going to need this," he said, and left the girls