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Student fears deflation by belly button
By Jake Williams
December 1, 2006 | In 1508 Pope Julius II was looking
for an artist to paint the Sistine Chapel when he came
across the young Michelangelo. To prove his artistic
talent, Michelangelo drew Julius a perfect circle and
got the job. Fast forward to the present.
I know I'm not perfect, but once upon a time I did
have one flawless feature: my belly button. Upon seeing
it, Ron Burgundy would have confessed, "You have an
absolutely breathtaking navel. I mean, that thing's
good. I wanna be friends with it."
If he saw it today he'd say something different. My
belly button is no longer an embodiment of perfection.
How this came to happen was an old girlfriend told me
that everyone should occasionally clean the lint from
their navel. Today I realize she was joking, but it's
far too late. Later that week I took out a Q-tip and
starting cleaning.
A belly button, or umbilicus as its known in physiology,
is what remains after a baby's umbilical cord is removed.
It's really just fused scar tissue. The important thing
to remember is that every person once had a hole in
their stomach and this fused scar tissue is the only
thing keeping us from having a hole there again. Back
to the cleaning.
My innie used to form a perfect Michelangelan circle,
but after two swipes from the Q-tip I noticed a problem:
One flap of skin had unfolded, protruding into the center
of my umbilicus! If my belly button is a clock face,
the flap of skin lasts from 8:35 to 10. Linkin Park
tells us that "once a paper's crumpled up it can't be
perfect again." Such is the case with my horseshoe-shaped
navel. I'm heartbroken.
My friends call my resulting fear Umbiliphobia.
It's not like I expect to die if my belly button opens
up. I just figure I'll deflate.
"That's completely irrational!" says journalism Professor
Nancy Williams. Thanks professor, love you too.
The next time you're with your special someone, remember
the dangers associated with Umbiliphobia. In fact, I
recommend you avoid touching the stomach altogether,
along with eyes, armpits, pinky toes, and Achilles tendons,
but those are another story.
NW
RB
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