One thing I know for sure: Timing
December 3, 2008 | In the 21 years I've been kicking
it here on Earth I've learned two things. The first
is that people rarely care what your opinion is but
will listen anyway, just to see if you'll say something
funny or stupid. This makes a columnist's job somewhat
anticlimactic because in my mind I'm changing thoughts
and tugging at heart strings, when in reality my column
is probably lining the bottom of someone's rabbit cage.
The second and most important thing I've learned is
that timing is everything. It is my belief that we have
very little control over our destinies; however, if
you wish to have a little more say in the overall "plan,"
try to get down the timing.
Many people - and I'm going to go out on a limb and
say most of these people have a Y chromosome - fail
miserably at timing. I know my fiancée would agree because
she's had to deal with my utter lack of common sense
for a good while.
I'm that guy who decides five minutes before going
out that he needs to take a shower, and the same guy
who likes to re-enact Dave Chappell skits while enjoying
a pleasant evening at Hamilton's. However, as I've gotten
older - and with the direction of my patient and obviously
crazy significant other - I've picked up a few pointers
on timing, some of which I'd like to share with you.
I've learned that there are some instances where
stripping can be appropriate, like at a bar on your
21st birthday or in your bedroom, but stripping should
always be avoided on your mother-in-law's 45th birthday.
I've also come to the conclusion that the night before
your wedding is not the opportune moment to point out
that your honey bun has a zit forming on her nose.
On a scholastic level, the night before a test may
not be the best time to begin reading the chapter. In
relation, the night before a test is in no way the best
time to visit the bar and get plastered really, I
tried to take a final exam with the hangover from Hell
and passed only because I'd spent all semester flirting
with the professor.
I would also advise that certain conversations wait
until after a class. For instance, breaking up with
your girlfriend should be avoided at all costs when
you are in the middle of an economics lecture. The middle
of a lecture is also a horrible time to discuss sports,
friends, family, what you're doing this weekend and
so on. Really, it's annoying.
Work is another place timing is important to consider.
A staff meeting is never a good time to take a nap,
no matter how boring the material is. Your place of
work may also seem the most convenient time to imitate
your boss amidst a throng of coworkers, unless, of course,
your boss is standing in the open door behind you, watching
your display. At this point, it will be beneficial to
have a sense of humor because your boss may do an imitation
of you being fired.
Jokes also require impeccable timing, and I don't
just mean in the delivery. I've learned through trial
and error that rarely are jokes involving swearing,
sex, violence, animal brothels, race, religion, a queen
and her horse fetish and toiletries ever funny at church.
These jokes are especially inappropriate when you are
in a meeting with your religious leader - they don't
care what happens when you have a priest, a rabbi and
a bishop in an airplane.
But sometimes timing isn't what's important so much
as the need to keep quiet entirely.
For instance, you should never bring up the negative
aspects especially physical ones about your significant
other. It doesn't matter if they are in the same room
or you are on a vacant beach thousands of miles away,
this is something that should stay tucked away in the
dark, lonely areas of your brain. There is also never
a good time to reveal to a group of people that you
are part chipmunk. Rarely will that news be well received.
So the moral of the story is to pay attention to where
you are, who you're around and what exactly you're saying.
Timing is everything.