The end is near -- and I couldn't
be more ready
December 11, 2008 | The end is near. By "end" I mean
the Apocalypse, and by "near" I mean the year 2012.
If you believe the hype, and I do, the world is about
to end catastrophically in approximately four years.
Although this means I will have considerably less time
to complete my life "to-do" list, it could be a good
According to www.december122012.com,
the impending apocalypse is not a terrifying end to
life as we know it, but rather a way to weed out the
"pussies." Thank God. It's as if the Mayans knew that
our generation would be filled with men who own tiny
dogs and wear guyliner.
Although I am admittedly frightened at the thought
of what is to come, I have a plan for survival so that
I can effectively repopulate the world Adam and Eve
style. The first step includes meeting and befriending
people who own guns. Guns, I feel and many Americans
will agree with me here, are the only effective way
to ward off large calamities. Armies of insects? Shoot
them. Giant tidal waves? Shoot other people who stand
in the way of getting to shelter.
My next step will be to learn how to survive off the
land. This includes TiVo-ing every episode of Man
vs. Nature from now until November 2012, when I
will sit down to watch them all consecutively. When
volcanoes erupt, covering every part of the earth's
surface, I am confident that I alone will be able to
find a rattlesnake, kill it and fashion its scales into
a protective bodysuit, thanks to Bear Grylls.
At this point, I am planning to lie low for a few
years until I can construct a radio a la Will
Smith in I Am Legend. I am hoping the group of
crazy people who are currently building a mountain hideout
have also seen "I Am Legend" and will do the same. Although
their Web site explicitly states that only "true believers"
will be allowed to dwell in the mountain residence,
I can't fully commit myself to the cause just yet. Instead,
I am confident that my charm, fake ID and surplus of
guns will grant me V.I.P. access into the survivor's
club. I will also carry around a sequined halter top
and a miniskirt, just in case.
From there I will simply ride on the coattails of
others who have devoted their lives to planning a good
2012 strategy, thus effectively making the apocalypse