The takeover of the female operating
December 12, 2008 | Women are confusing.
Wait, that was a poor sentence. Women are extremely
confusing, beyond comprehension, absolutely baffling,
I don't say that to be mean and it's in no way an
attack on women. It's more proof of how bad the male
brain is at overriding logic controls to understand
The brain has often been compared to a supercomputer.
In the case of males, logic is the hardware and emotion
is the software. This is good, because software often
becomes outdated and must be tossed for the new, good
Women, on the other hand, are hardwired quite differently,
with emotion being the hardware and logic the software.
When the software needs to be tossed - and this seems
to be quite frequently - all that's left is a giant
operating system of emotion, much like Windows Vista.
And we all know how that's turned out.
Because men and women are wired so differently, this
leads to all sorts of communication problems. Slowly,
I've figured some things out about my wife, but once
she became pregnant, all I had learned was suddenly
tossed out the window.
Pregnancy is like a virus to the female brain operating
system. It implants itself and spreads like wildfire,
corrupting all logic software and amps up the emotion
hardware. This virus is called Hormones 6.66.
While it can't be removed, it does have a time limit.
After 18 months - birth plus the post-pregnancy blues
- Hormones 6.66 terminates itself and women have to
slowly reinstall the logic software.
As near as I can tell, this process involves eating
a lot of ice cream, reading romance novels and watching
chick flicks, which makes no sense because none of those
things are logical.
But, when Hormones 6.66 is in charge, the woman operating
system (WOS) is very difficult to manage. Its reasoning
capabilities are all corrupted by the virus and it doesn't
take kindly to the software Male 1.0 - what, we're primitive?
You see, when Male 1.0 tries to install itself, Hormones
6.66 tells the operating system to reject it, no matter
what it says. View this line of code captured at great
cost from WOS:
Male 1.0: Honey, you look great. I love your pregnant
glow and your tummy looks so cute.
WOS + Hormones 6.66: What? You think I look fat? You're
such a jerk.
Male 1.0: Logic error #19943 :// terminate and reboot
WOS: Why aren't you talking to me? Do you not love
me anymore? I knew it. You're cheating on me with some
other woman aren't you? I knew you were unfaithful.
Male 1.0: Logic error #26309 :// terminate and reboot
No, of course I'm not cheating on you. You're my sweetheart.
I love you. I would never want to be without you.
WOS: Of course you wouldn't want to be without me
because then your clothes would never get washed, dinner
would never get cooked and dishes would stack up to
Male 1.0: Logic error #77316 :// terminate and reboot
You do a lot for me dear, but let's be honest, I have
cooked for the last month straight and I do the dishes.
But you do the laundry all the time and I am really
WOS: Execute:/bluescreen of death
How dare you act like you help out. You're like a
leech. You expect everything from me. I can't handle
it any more. You're stifling me. Leave me alone.
Male 1.0: Logic error #62007 :// terminate and reboot
OK, I'll leave you alone, even though I know I'll
get in trouble for doing that. Geez, I was just trying
to help you feel good about yourself. If you need anything,
I'll be in the other room working.
WOS: Oh, how convenient. Yes, let's run away when
this conversation isn't going your way. You're not going
to work. You're probably going to play World of Warcraft
or spend another useless hour of your life on ESPN.com.
Male 1.0: Confirmation:/ internal subroutine #257
... Dang, she knows me well.
You see what I mean? Hormones 6.66 is pure evil. It's
not the woman's fault either. She can't control the
virus. But, as near as I can tell, this is just the
precursor to an evil scarier virus: Child 1.0 beta.
I need some tougher anti-virus software.