How young is 'too young' for marriage

By Blair Fairman

A wedding is the biggest day of your life. "I do" are the two most important words you'll say to that special someone. Your wedding day is a day of love and commitment, but why do so many "I dos" turn into "I don'ts"?

There are several factors contributing to the failure of marriages in Utah, but can we really pinpoint our happiness on what others believe? For years, the effect that age has on a marriage has had many psychologists and sociologists thinking. Does it really matter how old you are when you get married?

According to Ashley Merryman, whose blogs have been read by hundreds, commented on the age issue in marriage. Although there are many factors to divorce, Merryman sees age as one of the only factor people can control. "Economics, education, and other factors all play a huge part, but age at marriage is one factor that's more readily able to isolate from all the rest," she said, "and it's also the one that people have the most control over."

Depending on where you are, it's hard to say what's too young. A young bride in New York may be 26, whereas in Utah, it's around 19. "Because of increasing numbers going to school, a young bride in the 1980s was probably 20. Now, a bride might be considered young at 22 or even years later," Merryman said. More than just the lack of money or education, getting married young may lead to more divorces because of the lack of maturity and the unwillingness to work out issues.

"They are more immature," Merryman said, "that can mean that they are ill-equipped to handle difficulties: they don't have emotional or communication skills to resolve conflicts."

Local bridal shop owner, Kris Williams, agrees that the younger you are, the less serious decisions you are capable of making. "The older you are the wiser you are," Williams said, "and Dr. Phil would tell you your brain is fully developed after 25 so after 25 you're able to make more adult decisions."

Thomas Lee is a USU professor and head of the Family Consumer Human Development department. He also believes couples who marry at an older age are genuinely more happy.

"People that are older tend to have more stable marriages," he said. "They tend to not get divorced and they tend to be happier."

With older age comes more common sense. Couples who are older pick their battles more wisely and are able to not blow small things out of proportion. He also mentioned happiness as a continuum; if you are too young or too old, there is a smaller chance your marriage will work. He said the best time for people to get married is between ages 25 and 30 because they are already somewhat established, but not too established that they can't accommodate the other person.

Because so many life-changing events happen in teenage years, there is no argument that kids should wait to marry until they are over that stage in life. People change depending on what environments they end up in, the career they choose, and the people they hang out with. There is a good chance that you could marry someone when you are 18 and watch them become a completely different person when they become an adult.

"Interests and thoughts they had at 18 may not be the same views and passions they have at 25 or 35," Merryman said, explaining that people change over time; there is no guarantee a couple will still be compatible in a few years.

The problem with putting an age on marriage is that everyone is different individually. Some people may be able to settle down and get married young because of family, cultural, or religious influences. In most religions, sex outside of marriage is strictly prohibited. For those religions that follow the Bible, they are told to abstain from any type of sexual immorality. Because our society is pushing sex on younger and younger generations, there's no wonder religious couples are getting married at a younger age.

The average age for marriage in Utah is 21, and much of it has to do with cultural expectations. Take for example Errin Belnap Stevenson. In an interview, she mentioned how she never planned on getting married, but when she found the right guy, she had to make a move.

"I was young and I didn't think I'd get married that young in my life; but when it comes, it comes," Stevenson said. She also mentioned how much pressure she received from her peers and her community. If she wouldn't have gotten married before the age of 21, she said, she would have felt like her time had passed. Thankfully for Stevenson, she was able to find the guy she wanted to marry at an age that worked for her and her family; age 19.

Because it's the norm in Utah to get married young, does that mean it may work for some people? One site on the Internet, called Youngmarriages.com, was put together to encourage young people to stay true to what they believe in. The site focuses on biblical scriptures to back up its belief in marrying young. Sonia Fleming, a writer on the site, says, "I think if more of us were married at a younger age, our marriages might last longer, and we would show other young people that marriage is not only a physical bond but also needs to be a spiritual one that lasts forever."

This may be a good example of how God will do things according to His timing, but it still doesn't exclude the fact that Utah also has the highest divorce rate in the nation.

Although some might think divorce will make the situation better, the Institute of American Values states people are more unhappy after divorce, whether their marriage was a good one or not. In fact, one third of couples who were considering divorce were happier five years later. So maybe the whole reason behind divorce isn't just age; maybe it has to do with the lack of trying to be happy and trying to make things as carefree as possible.

USU professor Glen Jensen thinks couples who play together, stay together. He said it's when life gets too serious that couples want to run for the hills.

"Shared leisure time allocation seems to contribute to enhanced marital satisfaction in the early and later years of life," Jensen said. "A husband and wife could find added enjoyment and marital strength from participating in leisure-time activities together."

Sometimes being happy isn't always what you have, but also what you do. If more people had that mindset, finances, young age, and other divorce factors won't have such a strong hold on relationships. But the most important thing to remember is not to let your soul mate pass you by just because you might be considered too young.

"My personal opinion is if you find Mr. Right, you grab him and you marry him," Kris Williams said, "and hopefully you're mature at that point and time in your life."

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