| Can
it last a lifetime? Secrets of a long and happy marriage
By Corinne
Smith
March 20, 2008| Marriage has quickly
come to be a very fluid concept these days.
Marriages fall apart just as quickly
as they start. Divorce seems to be acceptable, inevitable,
more common than not, and is almost as easy to get as
a credit card. Marriage is no longer important, thought
out, or expected. TV shows almost mock and desecrate
the institution of marriage with all of the reality
TV shows where strangers marry for money and men and
women choose from thirty or so gorgeous people to purpose
to.
Some Hollywood marriages seem to last
days before they fall apart. In a discussion group entitled
Defense of Marriage?HaHaHaHa, the poster Dems_luvs_liars
agrees. "It's because they took the stigma away of getting
a divorce through liberal positions put forth on television,
magazines, newspapers and radio. That happened right
after they changed the laws about divorce and made it
"no fault." It's so simple getting a divorce why not
get one?"
Why not just get one? With the increasing
support of the desecration and mockery of marriage,
what else should couples expect when they get married
than that their marriages should last a couple years
at most. The world has slowly become to promote short,
quick, and meaningless marriages. A quote from Divorce
Magazine says "When a newly married man looks happy,
we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy,
we wonder why. Affair?" Why is that a ten year or more
marriage is such a social faux pas?
People don't know how to make a marriage
last more than a couple years. Are there actually any
marriages out there that have lasted for longer than
the latest trend? Maybe we should see how the few and
far between couples, who have sincerely kept their word
to stay together for better or for worse, have done
it.
So how do you make a marriage last
for than ten days, weeks, months, or even (gasp) years?
A couple from Sandy, Utah, will be celebrating their
32nd anniversary on March 19; a novelty, I know. How
have they made it through the better, the worse, and
all the in-between? When asked how they made it through
some of the toughest times in their marriage, the husband
said that "If you don't remember the love of the first
years you won't make it through last years." He commented
that usually when a couple first gets married they seem
to see each other through rose colored glasses, but
eventually those glasses come off and then they have
to face the person who is standing in front of them;
themselves and their husband. Both man and wife change
and need to change in order to make a marriage work.
"I have been married to three
different men," the wife said. She said that the biggest
thing that has helped them make it through has been
her husband's ability to say "you're right, I should
do better." She also said there needs to be a willingness
to change on both ends. Surprisingly, when the husband
was asked what has made their marriage last, he had
the same things to say. "I am willing to be taught and
humbled and realize I need to change." So he is aware?
Shocking! How did he know? Maybe... communication? Interesting,
the couple actually talks about their problems and concerns
with each other.
What constitutes good communication
and what constitutes bad communication? Although it
is different for everyone, communication in some form
is necessary for the health of the individual and the
relationship. The wife says that when her and her husband
are in the middle of a fight sometimes her husband chooses
"flight" over "fight." Although this frustrates her
she sees the wisdom in it. She knows that if he would
stay that they would both end up saying hurtful things.
"You can't take the ugly things you say back. Sometimes
you need to hold your tongue." She also said that sometimes
if you don't voice the thing that you wanted to say
in the heat of the moment, in a few days you don't even
want to say them anymore. conclusion? Think before you
speak. What is a big deal one day might not be a big
deal the next day.
When should you voice your thoughts?
Obviously a person can't hold everything in, but what
qualifies an issue as justified to bring up and what
is qualified as just being nit-picky? Nancy Webb, a
certified Marriage and Family Therapist and a Registered
Nurse based out of Logan says to "[not] let resentments
build up over time. If your spouse has said or done
something that bothers you, talk it out, don't let it
build up. If [your partner's] behavior interferes with
your life and your ability to be successful- talk about
it." Nancy also brought up the point that couples need
to keep in mind that there are proper ways to bring
up an issue. "How it's brought up is important. If it's
done in an attacking way it won't be well received."
Another couple from Sandy has been
married for 40 years. This couple had some similar comments
on communication as the first couple, with a new insight.
"Sometimes communication isn't always in words." The
wife pointed out that sometimes actions speak louder
than words. For example, she loves when her husband
randomly starts dancing with her. When I talked separately
with the husband he was aware that sometimes it is the
little things; like random dances in the hallways, that
can keep a relationship alive. "Give her flowers, have
date nights...phone calls, letters." Don't live by the
thought that "When a man opens the door of his car for
his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car
or his wife is new." While he realized that these little
actions can make a big difference he said the most important
thing is to make sure to listen to them.
After asking why their relationships
have lasted so long they also had some insights on some
of the main reasons marriages aren't lasting. The husband
of 32 years thinks that "people still divorce because
they never had a long view... nothing is serious enough
to not work it out and try to not develop on-going marriage...
once you have gotten through it once you know you can
survive."
Webb says that "marriage comes down
to decision and commitment... When the relationship
changes from the initial excitement phase, people often
think they're not in love anymore. But love can take
a different form over time and is experienced in many
different ways. Having a sense of commitment helps people
to decide to honor the commitment and work hard to build
a happy, satisfying relationship."
Marriage can be one of the most satisfying
and happy experiences this life brings, it just takes
some effort and determination. In an article on utahmarriage.org
by Nancy B. Peterson, a Communications Specialist at
Kansas State University, Peterson quoted a professor
of family social science, Bill Doherty, when he said
that "couples can benefit from strong social support.
Knowing that there will be someone in your corner who
will be interested in the details of your life can lessen
stress levels substantially. Couples also can benefit
from bouncing ideas off each other or talking through
issues and concerns. They have a support system, ready
and waiting."
In the conclusion of the article
Peterson stated that "Since a successful marriage can
foster mental and physical health, researchers believe
that it also can contribute to a longer, healthier life."
(click to see the full article, Marriage
Can Be Good For Health .)
So why is it that out of the 2,160,000
people that got married in the United States in 2006,
there was a 3.6 divorce rate and Florida gets the record
with an average of 83,912 divorces in three years? To
see a full list of marriage and divorce statistics go
to National
Vital Statistics Report. In a study released by
the U.S. Census Bureau for 2004, the average duration
of marriages that ended in divorce was 8.1 years for
men and 7.8 for women.
Marriages are failing, this we can
see. Hopefully over time we can also see how it can
succeed by looking to the advice and example of others,
maybe even seeking out the help of professionals, and
remembering that what you put in is what you will get
out. Don't give up hope, give your whole heart instead.
NW
DA
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