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Strange musings
from the bakery
How MySpace gave me an aneurysm
By David Baker
March 28, 2008 | I was on MySpace this morning. Then
I was on OtherPeople'sSpaces. Then right back to MySpace,
because the other people's Internet fifes really troubled
me.
It wasn't as if these people were talking about being
child molesters, murderers or IRS employees; most were
students. It was the simple fact that they were all
either stupid or boring enough to throw me into a fury.
The culprit: The About Me section.
I can understand not wanting to put anything in the
About Me section. We're always warned employers are
constantly checking our MySpace and Facebook pages,
so putting that you abuse motion sickness medicine and
have sex with random farm animals probably isn't a wise
choice.
I can also understanding not wanting to put anything
compromising out there. You don't want to tell all the
serial killers and full-time creeps trolling the Space
for hot college girls/guys -- there are probably almost
an equal quantity of female creeps, but guys just call
that being good in bed -- that you always sleep naked
with your door unlocked.
No one wants a Debbie Downer of an About Me section,
either. "Well my life is pretty much in shambles. My
boyfriends dumped me. I've got festering rectal warts.
My car burst into flames, devouring my whole CD collection,
including all of my John Mayer and Nora Jones albums.
My dog died. On a positive note, I'm great at wallowing
in my own sorrows, and am quite adept at making people
around me feel awesome in comparison."
Sounds a little to much like a country song.
And I can totally see not wanting to actually put
yourself out there. Probably 95 percent of people just
suck at life, and that's not the image you want to exude
on MySpace. The Internet and other forms of impersonal,
personal communication were made specifically so we
could falsely inflate our levels of coolness and create
some persona other people would want to be Internet
friends with.
Telling visitors to YourSpace that you enjoy watching
TV, reading, keeping to yourself, being pensive and
doodling isn't going to get you far in this online world
of fabrication. Things have to be bigger than life.
I fought Russell Crowe and beat him with a telephone.
I wrestle alligators in the morning and write for Saturday
Night Live in the evening - the perfect combination
of raw power and humor. I drive a Corvette and own six
houses in a variety of coastal locations. Or my favorite,
I love to party, drink, get crazy and rock out.
I don't really care what people put, just as long
as it isn't stuff like this:
"I like to have fun."
Oh really? I prefer an awful, scarring time. Waterboarding
over smiling, that's my motto. And how special and unique
are you with your like of fun. That's like saying I
like to have sex - both are implied, unless you're a
monk.
"I like hanging out with my friends."
No way. I do, too. Maybe we can be friends because
we both like to hang out with friends. This just in:
If you don't like hanging out with your friends, those
bastards probably aren't your friends. And who wants
to be surrounded by people they don't like.
This would be funnier and more of an admission than
stating the obvious: "I enjoy being surrounded by people
who annoy the living @$#% out of me. People that piss
me off or bore me to tears are others that I like to
keep company with. I also like awkward encounters with
strangers. In fact, to facilitate these awkward - that's
a weird word, awkward, especially if you spell it thrice
in a minute - situations, I often like to go up to a
group of strangers and tell racist and sexist jokes
until a physical altercation ensues."
This one kills me, too: "I like to laugh."
OK, well we have nothing in common. I prefer crying
hot, angry tears of betrayal. I'm allergic to laughter,
it gives me cancerous tumors all over my body. I guess
some people don't like laughing -- goths, English-literati
snobs, fans of Carlos Mencia -- but those people are
too trendy for my taste.
After reading all of that worthless use of verbiage
in the About Me section, most people like to follow
it up with something like this in their Who I'd Like
To Meet section:
"I just want to meet people that are cool. Chill people
who like to have fun. Maybe drink a little. People who
make me laugh. Oh, and hot guys that have good personalities,
too."
Dream on, bitch, you're on MySpace.
MS
MS |
