Bad day, you say? Hey, the bus
tried to eat my face
November 11, 2008 | I rarely divulge stories that portray
me as a foul-mouthed dimwit who falls into the most
moronic situations while attempting to function in everyday
life, but my friends and family said it would be a crime
for me to withhold the following from the public.
It all began, as most stories do, on a cold, rainy
October morning. I was lounging along the back row of
seats on Aggie shuttle, drifting in and out of consciousness
as the bus rattled and bumped along between stops. There
were only five other commuters on the bus besides me,
many of whom were slumped in their seats, drool hanging
from the corners of their mouths as they listened in
a comatose state to their iPods.
We finally reached my stop in front of the Industrial
Science building so I took my glasses which had be
resting on my stomach to allow me the sensation of lying
in bed -- and placed them on my face.
I stood and began to drag my feet to the rear exit
where I practically threw myself down the three steps
in hopes of reaching the rain-soaked pavement outside.
However, as I was hopping down the steps the driver,
for what ever reason, began closing the door.
"No problem," I thought to myself in my early morning
stupor, "I'll just push the doors open and carry on
my merry way. I mean, how strong can the doors be on
As it turns out, they're pretty damn strong because
as I stretched my twiggish arms forward to blow through
the doors, they pushed my extended limbs back into my
chest like I was a praying mantis.
This would have been enough to fulfill an embarrassing
moment, but life just loves to kick you when you're
down. Apparently my forward momentum caused my head
to stretch unnaturally far in front of my body, which
caused the doors to slam into my face and squeeze it
like a bad zit. This resulted in the squishing of my
face back into the bus so that I was face to face with
a barrier of embarrassment.
I'm sure this was a sight to see for those waiting
at the stop preparing to get onto the shuttle. One second
there is a young man descending the stairs to leave
and the next thing they know there's nothing but two
bulging eyes and a squished face that looks like a red
Immediately four-letter words were flying from my
mouth and bouncing around the inside of the bus like
a ping pong ball. Many of my fellow commuters even shied
away from me as I swore, still motionless in front of
the closed doors.
As I ranted, I reached up to feel where the swinging
doors had violated my face only to find that my glasses
were no long perched on my nose.
More curse words flew as I searched by my feet, desperately
trying to locate my glasses, but there was nothing there.
The realization that my glasses were now somewhere out
in the rain, and most likely in a million little pieces,
did not help my spewing mouth. I looked toward the front
of the shuttle for an explanation only to find the driver's
reflection in the rear view mirror with an expression
that vaguely resembled a victim from the horror film,
"Just open the damn door will you?" I mumbled under
my breath. I don't know why I didn't just shout it seeing
as I'd pretty much sung every foul word in three different
Finally the shuttle doors swung open again and I stumbled
from the bus into the rain. I began fervently looking
for my specs around the sidewalk but they were nowhere
to be seen. I didn't locate them until one of the people
waiting for the bus who happened to be a very cute
girl informed me that my glasses had bounced under
Simultaneously the bus driver came running up to me,
still with that ugly shocked look on his face, to ask
if I was okay. I told him about being violated by the
bus and the sudden absence of my glasses, and I may
have told him to go to hell, or maybe I just thought
In the end my glasses were in fact under the bus.
One lens was popped and scratched and the frame was
bent in half. I also discovered later on after I'd
already gone to three classes that I had thick black
marks down each side of my face where the doors had
Since this incident I've grown fond of allowing others
to depart from the Aggie shuttle before me, just in
case. And as to the driver, I'm sorry I swore at you,
but you did shut my face in a bus.