Review: French fries can fix
us right up, as long as they come from McDonald's
November 11, 2008 | For a sodium-aholic, french fries
are the holy grail of all foods. Not only are fries
naturally salty but they can be easily salted to heart
attack levels without as many raised eyebrows that come
from salting baked potatoes and steaks.
French fries are the most incredible form of food
because they can be used on any occasion. They are a
sad food, ranking right up next to a pint of Haagen
Daas. You can eat them after a bad day with the same
effect of that pint of ice cream, and that is saying
something because ice cream is a powerful substance.
French fries are multifaceted. Not only are they as
powerful as ice cream on a bad day, they are as consistent
as scream therapy for anger. For those of you who don't
know about scream therapy, it is where the frustrated
person grabs a fluffy pillow, holds it tight to their
face and screams at the top of their lungs until they
run out of oxygen. Then the participant is encouraged
to inhale, replace the pillow and repeat until the anger
goes away, or if pillows are scarce, a box of fries
utilizes the same principles.
There is something about crunching through a hot bunch
of bunch of salty fries that gives your body, or at
least your jaw, the workout it needs to allow it to
let go of the anger it was holding inside.
Last, but definitely not least, fries are a birthday,
anniversary and any other happy day in your life food.
If you just finished that major homework project, have
some fries. Did you get out of bed this morning with
only half your visual amount of grumbling? Have some
more. In any given scenario, a quick run to a fast food
restaurant can change your whole day around.
There are usually at least two different fast food
restaurants in any given town to help quell the average
person's need for artery clogging, cholesterol-raising
food. Those two restaurants are usually McDonald's and
Wendy's. McDonald's and Wendy's are similar in many
ways to the untrained french fry pallet. <:P> Both restaurants
revolve around redheaded people, although Wendy's redhead
doesn't involve face paint, perhaps something that would
make people more forgiving when it comes to some of
their food, but without the face paint, their food is
left to rest on its merits alone.
The merits of a Wendy's french fry are anything but
impressive. More than once I have bitten into a Wendy's
french fry to find out it never made it into the the
fryer with the rest of the fries. Rather, it is slightly
less than frozen solid because of some time under the
Even when I get through a whole box of Wendy's french
fries without so much as a cold surprise, the experience
has never been pleasant. The fries are mushy and tasteless,
nothing like the miracle food fries have the potential
of being. The best way to get through a box of french
fries from Wendy's is to double that dollar menu purchase
and add a dollar frosty to your purchase. Somehow, dipping
each fry into a cold chocolate treat, although to every
true french fry lover's distaste, allows the fries to
have at least half of their usual magical effects.
Now I don't know what it is about that scary-looking
clown in the yellow jumpsuit that ensures great fries,
but McDonald's french fries are easily the cheapest
way to get a taste of that french fry magic. The crunch,
the golden color, all salted to perfection creates a
wonderful experience. Every time you take a bite of
this gift to the human race, you think to yourself,
"Man, no matter how scary the yellow jumpsuit and makeup,
that clown sure did something right."