Expert college drinker grades
By G. Christopher Terry
October 31, 2007 | For college students in this town
who want to get their fade on, the choices are pretty
limited. You can stay inside and drink for cheap, but
people are going to start thinking you're an alcoholic
or something if you sit alone in the dark getting ruined
too much. To avoid everyone thinking you have a Problem,
you are going to have to go out and blow some money.
After you hit up the ATM and make sure you have your
photo ID, what are the best places to go? Let an experienced
college drinker be your guide.
The White Owl -- D
Certain brand names become so ubiquitous that they
eventually encompass an entire market of products. Take
my roommate, he refers to any videogame console as a
Nintendo. Kleenex brand facial tissues and Chapstick
brand lip balm have this going for them as well. It's
really pretty ridiculous, people don't call cars Fords
or TVs Sonys. But for whatever reason, certain brands
are blessed with this cachet, and the White Owl is one
of them. Any time you hear people talking about going
to "the bar" in Logan, you can be pretty sure they are
talking about the Owl.
Usually the products which benefit from brand ubiquitousness
achieve their position due to a clear superiority over
the competition, in the case of Chapstick, or because
of unique conditions in the marketplace when the product
first came out which allowed it to build up near-insurmountable
brand recognition, like Nintendo. I haven't a clue why
the White Owl enjoys such a dominant position in people's
minds. Is it because it's big enough to fit most everyone
that feels like drinking in Logan on any given night
at once? I should hope size wouldn't be our main criteria.
There's a lot to do at the Owl, from darts to pool
to those quiz show videogames that only weirdos play.
The foosball table is a big waste of time, I'll warn
you right now. It counts every ball that goes in as
a goal and takes your quarter after one side gets ten
goals no matter what, even if most of those goals were
dirty. You can also watch one of the many TVs in the
Owl, sit up on the deck when the weather is nice, or
go into the nonsmoking room if you don't smoke (like
me) and hate smelling like a can of butts the next morning
I will play some darts, which are free at the Owl,
or even shoot a game of pool if someone else pays, but
mainly I am interested in drinking when I go to the
bar. What does the Owl have to drink? Well, they have
some sort of domestic light beer, I think it's Coors.
That is the cheapest. Then you've got a pretty nice
selection of overpriced beers that mainly only hippies
drink. There's a fairly wide selection of bottled beers
as well, which are on sale in case someone wants to
pay more money for less beer for some inconceivable
reason. I always drink Killian's Irish Red when I got
to the Owl. It is kind of like the midgrades. It's a
beer that is dark enough hippies will think you are
drinking "Tom's Olde-Fashioned Berry-Infused Honey Wheat
Grain Ale" or some such dreck. I've been going for years
now and I have never ordered anything but Killians.
The only time I drink anything else is when someone
buys me a drink, like for example on Thursday someone
bought me a Coors Light so I drank it but I was thinking
about Killians the whole time.
I like diversions as much as the next guy, but when
I go to the bar it is usually enough for me to drink
mass quantities of alcohol and talk to the people I
am there with. My desire to talk to the people at my
table is where the Owl runs into trouble, because it
seems like all the nights I feel like drinking there,
they have a band playing. I hate bands. Why do they
persist in playing stupid songs they wrote that no one
has ever heard at obnoxious volume so I can't talk to
the people at my table? If I were the owner of the Owl
I would order any band to only play good songs everyone
has already heard. Guns N Roses, Garth Brooks, Jimi
Hendrix, these are good starting points.
You might be thinking a D is an awfully low grade
for a bar that is basically all right and my biggest
criticism is the bands always suck. Well, I haven't
mentioned the lack of dividers between the urinals.
Nor have I mentioned the disturbing sameness of the
White Owl. Same smell the next morning. Same sleazy
broads. Same rednecks, same dead-enders. Same jerks
eyeball-fucking you every time you walk in the door.
Why does everyone in the Owl stare at you every time
you show your ID and walk up to the bar? It's really
very odd and irritating, and between that and the lack
of hard alcohol in the establishment, you've got a D.
It's not polite to stare.
Mulligans -- D+
Basically the coolest thing to do in Logan is go to
the Owl, drink a few pitchers, and then walk up to Mulligans
once you have a pretty solid buzz going and get some
real alcohol. Mulligans is a pretty cool bar with a
lot going for it. For one, I never have to pay for a
membership because I know one of the guys who works
the door there and he is a really solid individual,
always waves me right on in. If I had to pay for a membership
it would blow.
The biggest plus about going to Mulligans is the ability
to buy shots, mixed drinks, and Foster's Special Bitters
in the green oil can. On college night Mulligans is
a great place to kick it because you will almost always
see lots of people you know and get invited to a fun
house party later. That is what happened to me last
Thursday night. It is almost like the fates conspired
to make sure you have a good time drinking: from the
Owl to Mulligans to Smith's is almost a straight line,
plus last call at Mulligans is in time that you can
make it to Smith's before they stop selling beer.
Right now you are probably thinking that Mulligans
is an A bar, but it is time to start whacking points
off. The cost is absolutely prohibitive. I have gone
into Mulligans sober and started ordering drinks and
dropped 80 bucks, no problem, and not even been that
wasted. That is why it is key to get pretty drunk before
you even go to Mulligans, because the drinks come in
tiny plastic cups and cost like three-fifty each, add
a tip in (because if you don't tip the bartenders there
you WILL NOT get served) and that's five bucks a drink,
and you can kill these drinks in about three sips. A
good thing to do to be prepared is bring a 12-pack and
hide it in the alley across the street, or out back,
and make a few pit stops out there to pound beers while
you nurse your drinks inside. At the price they sell
these drinks, you would think OPEC had expanded its
grasp and stopped refining Jagermeister.
Another really bad thing is when Mulligans gets too
packed. It is a little hole-in-the-wall, and on college
night they usually end up turning lots of people away.
Everyone is crammed in there, especially around the
bar, and it is next to impossible to get served in a
timely fashion. The importance of tipping heavily is
apparent to the guy who has been standing at the bar
waving a $20 for so long his legs are tired. Here is
a strategy I have been using with good results for years:
when you finally get to order, just order like five
drinks at once. You save on the tip as opposed to ordering
five rounds of one, and you don't have to venture into
the mosh pit again for a while.
Ultimately Mulligans is kind of like an overweight
female Sheriff's deputy when you are in jail: you know
she ain't that great, but she starts looking pretty
good based purely on the lack of other options. I would
bump Mulligans up into C range except I get the feeling
the ownership knows what a good thing they have going
for them, what with being the only conveniently located
bar with real booze in Logan, and they don't put any
real effort in except for replacing the furniture with
cast-offs from the country club years after they should
have and ordering new cases of booze. Oh, wait, I forgot
about the new camera system they shelled out for to
curtail people from sneaking in their own beer. I guess
that's worth top dollar. You know what? I have a bad
taste in my mouth right now. D plus, and that's final.
The Sultans -- F+
I have only been here a few times, because the Sultan's
has a reputation as the redneck bar in town. I went
there once when I was already absolutely shitcanned,
and I had a pretty good time. I ran into Ryan "Scrappy"
Larson and we tried to pick up on some Asian girls.
Then this other time I went there when I was still pretty
sober and I was all like, "What?! Is this it?"
The ceiling is too low and the seating is funny, the
way I remember it there is like a waist-high wall cutting
the room in half for no reason. I guess the Sultans
has pool tables and a reasonable selection of beers
so if you just want to go somewhere different it will
do. They have Cutthroat Ale there, but I think the pitchers
are smaller than the ones at the Owl. Basically the
Sultans is an al lright place, but I will probably never
go there again in my life unless it is someone else's
idea and there's nothing else going on and they promise
to buy me drinks.
The Eagles -- F
I have never even been to the Eagles because it is
so far away. It is down by Fred Meyer's, so it gets
an F. Hey, it's my rating system. I heard they have
one dollar draft beers and one dollar shots, so if I
ever go there and this is true and there's not too many
dumb old people there, I will change this grade to a
B because that is pretty solid value for your alcohol
The Country Club -- B
This bar is so great I should give it an A, but since
you have to be in the party of a member to get served,
I am afraid I have to take points off. Plus if I ever
actually gave out an A, then found another bar I liked
better than the bar I gave an A to, I would really be
in a pickle. To anyone reading this from the Logan Golf
& Country Club, I would love some sort of honorary membership.
I barely even golf, I just want to drink and tip extravagantly.
The last time I went to the Country Club I was with
my buddy Glen. His parents are members so after a few
games of pool in the basement, we sat down in the bar
and started getting tore up. I had like three Red Bull/Jagers
that came in tall glasses and cost less than the tiny
ones at Mulligans even though they were like three times
the size. Ask anyone who has been, they will tell you
this bar is cheap and it is awesome! The cocktail waitresses
are hot and friendly, and because it isn't too busy
in there usually, they are very attentive and keep the
booze flowing like wine. I think the selection of liquors
is better than at Mulligans, so if you are one of those
tools who likes to go around ordering strange drinks
and then acting all put out when the bartender hasn't
heard of it, this is your place. Some people have said
they don't like the people who use the country club,
but I enjoy drinking in the presence of wealthier, more
refined old people.
Besides the hassle of finding a member to take you
there, the other big problem with the country club is
it is kind of far away. I say with the money you will
save on drinks compared to Mulligans, you can easily
afford a cab. In closing, I love to get annihilated
at the country club, and I can't wait to go again and
see how the new remodeled clubhouse looks!