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Clogged shower drains would go away, maybe, if women
were bald
By Michael Sharp
September 21, 2007 | My drain is clogged again. I know
that it is because as I showered this morning my inundated
feet were starting to feel soggy by the time I hit the
shampoo. By the time I was reaching for the towel the
water was already up past my ankles.
Since I got married three months ago we have almost
gone through a whole gallon of the "guaranteed to work"
extra strength drain unclogger that we picked up from
the Wal-Mart. Although a good deal of the blame for
this pet peeve of mine can be credited to the sixty
year old pipes snaking their way through the underground
of our apartment, I can't help but feel like this problem
would be ameliorated if I, and especially my wife, did
not have hair.
The fact that girls have hair, and a whole lot more
than boys (for the most part), is something that I am
relearning now that I am living with a female again.
Not that I mind. In fact I quite enjoy hair when it
is on a girl's head, but off the head is when I start
to have grief with it. Boys beware: It starts with little
golden strands on your car seat and on your couch. Then
as you get more serious you start noticing long hairs
on your clothes and your cuddling blankets. An engagement
is a time of hectic planning, taking a surplus amount
of pictures, and learning how to spit hair out of your
mouth without offending your fiancée. Then you get married
and your apartment pretty much becomes one well hidden
hair hangout where all your wife's curls can drape about
the bed, bathroom, kitchen, and carpet.
I guess it's hard for me to figure out how I ever
forgot about this quandary. I'm definitely no stranger
to girl hair. I grew up in a household where seven females
counting my mom also resided. Even from the early years
of my life I was picking out my sister's entangled tresses
out of combs and brushes before I could use them, snaking
more drains than Mario and Louigi, plucking hair out
of food as I tried to forget about the bacterial contamination
I was eating, and cleaning up the bathroom counter,
which was always covered in hair. Let me tell you, cleaning
up hair is the worst. If you have ever tried picking
up a hair and throwing it in the garbage, it is likely
that you grabbed it, and as you tried to fling the hair
off your hand you just ended up transferring it from
your thumb to your index finger and then thumb again.
So if it wasn't already bad enough that you have to
touch the thing, you are forced with skin to hair contact
until you are smart enough to grab it with a piece of
toilet paper or something and then fling it in to the
garbage. After eighteen years of this I finally moved
out and lived in a relatively low hair situation with
all boys for six years, until I decided to get married
and live again with the hair.
Now I'm not suggesting that all girls started to sport
the Sinead O'Connor look. A female's mane is one of
god's most beautiful creations. I guess that it's true
that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Or in
my case, you can't have your cake and eat it without
a long blonde hair in the middle of it.
I suppose this law is what prevents me from being
able to stroke my fingers through the soft waves of
my wife's beautiful hair and not come out of it with
a fistful of hairball. Hopefully some day I'll be able
to invent a giant hair sucker, that vacuums all the
loose hairs off of a girl's head every morning before
she loses them all in the shower. Until then, I suppose
that as my wife lives with the horrid singing that accompanies
my splashing through the clogged shower, (as well as
my unique body odors, lack of cleanliness, use of the
word, "playa," toothpaste gargling, and facial hair
in the bathroom sink), I can deal with a little bit
of girl hair.
But don't be surprised if you see a woman some time
in the future with a large vacuum covering their scalp,
it might just be my wife.
NW
RB
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